I really like this piece, but I must say I do think part of having a 3D character is dismantling their behaviour. Feminism is so nuanced because we push the idea of allowing women to be free with no judgement, but if we don’t address toxic behaviour (being a bad friend, repeatedly going back to an ex, being the other women) then how will we push for change? TV shows are great to stir conversations about what’s happening in the IRL. Where do you think the line should be drawn? I do think the Carrie hate train is too intense and all her good attributes do get overlooked.
Thank you so much for reading and for your thoughtful comment! I totally agree that complexity involves critique. I'm not saying we shouldn’t examine Carrie’s flaws, but that we should do it with the same tone, depth, and distance we use when analyzing male antiheroes. The issue isn’t the criticism itself, but the tone and intensity of it, Carrie is judged like a real woman, not a fictional character, and that judgment often slips into personal territory.
You're absolutely right that TV sparks real-life conversations. But part of what I’m asking is: why do we expect female characters to be morally educational, while male characters get to just… exist? Tony Soprano literally killed people and he’s still seen as one of the greats. People write academic essays on his depth. Meanwhile, Carrie is torn apart for being insecure or messy in love.
So yes, call out toxic behavior, but let’s also acknowledge that female characters deserve the same narrative freedom and cultural respect as their male counterparts. We can critique without flattening.
Totally get you! My comment did not address the comparison between male & female characters because I completely agree with you! Like I said her hate train is far too intense and I do think part of it is because women have these experiences IRL and woman dynamics are hardly spoken of - so we’ve compensated by being highly critical of, in this scenario, carrie. There is another conversation to be had, alongside what you’ve spoken of, and it is more acceptance of complex female characters and more conversations on the complex female dynamic. Think: carrie satc, serena gg, rory gg - they’re all complex and hated and this is because in a patriarchal society women are still seen as one dimensional and there is a male gaze business centred around it. Idk if im making sense 😭
Yes, you're totally making sense — and I really appreciate your thoughtful response! I completely agree that part of the intensity around characters like Carrie, Serena, or Rory comes from how rarely we get to see nuanced portrayals of female dynamics. It's like we're so starved for complexity that when it shows up, we either overanalyze or punish it. I love that you're pointing out the need for both acceptance of flawed women on screen and honest conversations about how we relate to them — not to flatten them into role models or villains, but to explore what they bring up in us. There’s space for critique, absolutely, but that critique deserves the same depth and generosity we give male characters. Thanks again for engaging so thoughtfully 🖤
I didn’t know about the Carrie criticism. As an older woman, I guess I’ve been out of step with plenty of things.
I grew up with “That Girl,” “The Mary Tyler Moore Show,” and “The Doris Day Show.” These shows inspired me to be a career woman instead of getting married after high school or college. They were the only role models I had in my very conservative farm village. And there were many aspects of these shows that I created in real life.
But there was one thing these shows didn’t give me. The reality I experienced in the real world was far more complicated, messy, and less wholesome than the reality I experienced as a career woman in the 1980’s.
Mary Richard’s obviously slept with several men (and took the birth control pill) without being married, but no one called her a slut. How did she manage that? She was always such a good girl and never did anything wrong. The same with Marlo Thomas and Doris Day.
I loved Carrie Bradshaw because she made mistakes, she slept around, she loved fashion, and she wasn’t perfect. Carrie Bradshaw was more like me, kind of adrift and trying to figure things out. That’s the way life really is.
The same with Ally McBeal. If you never make mistakes and you’re always a perfect little girl, how will you ever learn anything?
You brought up some very good points, but I guess I’d take things even a step further. I don’t think Carrie was bad. She was human, and that’s good.
Absolutely agree. Just as I have acknowledged that times when I acted like Carrie were also times when I wasn’t true to myself.
Carrie symbolizes mistakes I have made in my journey. Yet they were necessary mistakes on my path to finding myself within the culture that had drastically changed. I was learning how to believe in myself and give up my old way of basing my worth on my relationships with men, while finding my new place in a changed world. Her insecurities were my insecurities, but also the insecurities of many women at that time.
We weren’t like Mary Richard’s who never struggled with these insecurities.
As you say, maybe more alarming is that many idolize this male character from Sopranos and give him a free pass for being a killer. Instead we need to criticize him more.
At the same time, if we are going to criticize Carrie or me, we can do so with compassion and understanding for our struggle, and honor the mirror we provide that helps us understand parts of ourselves, or at least the journey many women have taken to decenter men.
Yes you are making sense. I love Rory too. Is there any woman who can ever get anything right? Or do we have to go back to June Cleaver with her pearls vacuuming in high heels, dress, and stockings?
I think the beauty in complex female characters is that they’re not right!! Like Magdalena mentioned it’s about having honest conversations on why we hate them and why we relate to them! I think hating a complex female character says a lot about ourselves like some people hate Carrie for always going back to Big because they do that mistake or they think it’s “pick me energy” which shows they need to work on removing their inner male gaze. There is so much I could say on this topic, but feminism is so nuanced and personal and not, all at the same time!
Totally agreen Karin! This is exactly why we need to work on normalising complex female dynamics in media, but normalisation doesn’t mean free from critique. We need to normalise, we need to dismantle, and we need to discuss because how else will we progress as a society (and of course the same goes towards male characters) media isn’t just entertainment, it is also a powerful social commentary tool!
she’s an asshole and i don’t relate to her but she is still a fictional character and sex and the city is so entertaining that i LIKE the character and the show, i do not LIKE who carrie is. each of the women have their flaws, but i am in agreement with most critiques about carrie because she is morally the worst of the four. i HATE big too. he is an awful man and an awful character and an awful human irl.
loved this! especially what u had to say about the comparisons between natasha and carrie - it’s irked me for the longest time but i never knew how to articulate it!! idk if you’ve already seen it but i think you’d really like broey deschanel’s video essay on carrie (“who’s afraid of carrie bradshaw” on yt). as someone who never loved carrie (im much more of a miranda myself), broey’s video helped me see her in a much more sympathetic light, and as more of an interesting and philosophical character!!
okay i LITERALLY just finished the entire SATC a few minutes ago (and of course, immediately went onto Substack to search for essays on Carrie Bradshaw) and im so glad i stumbled upon this piece.
i really must agree with you here. before starting SATC, i knew a little bit about the hate Carrie would get online, but as i watched the series for myself, i didn't understand the hate train. i mean i can understand that she can make the wrong moves, be an asshole, and can be annoying at times. but to me, that's what made her interesting. sometimes, her mistakes mirrored ones that ive made in the past, and that's what i liked about her. she felt real. i think we are all just so used to nitpicking and holding women up to an impossible standard 🥲
I really like this piece, but I must say I do think part of having a 3D character is dismantling their behaviour. Feminism is so nuanced because we push the idea of allowing women to be free with no judgement, but if we don’t address toxic behaviour (being a bad friend, repeatedly going back to an ex, being the other women) then how will we push for change? TV shows are great to stir conversations about what’s happening in the IRL. Where do you think the line should be drawn? I do think the Carrie hate train is too intense and all her good attributes do get overlooked.
Thank you so much for reading and for your thoughtful comment! I totally agree that complexity involves critique. I'm not saying we shouldn’t examine Carrie’s flaws, but that we should do it with the same tone, depth, and distance we use when analyzing male antiheroes. The issue isn’t the criticism itself, but the tone and intensity of it, Carrie is judged like a real woman, not a fictional character, and that judgment often slips into personal territory.
You're absolutely right that TV sparks real-life conversations. But part of what I’m asking is: why do we expect female characters to be morally educational, while male characters get to just… exist? Tony Soprano literally killed people and he’s still seen as one of the greats. People write academic essays on his depth. Meanwhile, Carrie is torn apart for being insecure or messy in love.
So yes, call out toxic behavior, but let’s also acknowledge that female characters deserve the same narrative freedom and cultural respect as their male counterparts. We can critique without flattening.
Totally get you! My comment did not address the comparison between male & female characters because I completely agree with you! Like I said her hate train is far too intense and I do think part of it is because women have these experiences IRL and woman dynamics are hardly spoken of - so we’ve compensated by being highly critical of, in this scenario, carrie. There is another conversation to be had, alongside what you’ve spoken of, and it is more acceptance of complex female characters and more conversations on the complex female dynamic. Think: carrie satc, serena gg, rory gg - they’re all complex and hated and this is because in a patriarchal society women are still seen as one dimensional and there is a male gaze business centred around it. Idk if im making sense 😭
Yes, you're totally making sense — and I really appreciate your thoughtful response! I completely agree that part of the intensity around characters like Carrie, Serena, or Rory comes from how rarely we get to see nuanced portrayals of female dynamics. It's like we're so starved for complexity that when it shows up, we either overanalyze or punish it. I love that you're pointing out the need for both acceptance of flawed women on screen and honest conversations about how we relate to them — not to flatten them into role models or villains, but to explore what they bring up in us. There’s space for critique, absolutely, but that critique deserves the same depth and generosity we give male characters. Thanks again for engaging so thoughtfully 🖤
I didn’t know about the Carrie criticism. As an older woman, I guess I’ve been out of step with plenty of things.
I grew up with “That Girl,” “The Mary Tyler Moore Show,” and “The Doris Day Show.” These shows inspired me to be a career woman instead of getting married after high school or college. They were the only role models I had in my very conservative farm village. And there were many aspects of these shows that I created in real life.
But there was one thing these shows didn’t give me. The reality I experienced in the real world was far more complicated, messy, and less wholesome than the reality I experienced as a career woman in the 1980’s.
Mary Richard’s obviously slept with several men (and took the birth control pill) without being married, but no one called her a slut. How did she manage that? She was always such a good girl and never did anything wrong. The same with Marlo Thomas and Doris Day.
I loved Carrie Bradshaw because she made mistakes, she slept around, she loved fashion, and she wasn’t perfect. Carrie Bradshaw was more like me, kind of adrift and trying to figure things out. That’s the way life really is.
The same with Ally McBeal. If you never make mistakes and you’re always a perfect little girl, how will you ever learn anything?
You brought up some very good points, but I guess I’d take things even a step further. I don’t think Carrie was bad. She was human, and that’s good.
Absolutely agree. Just as I have acknowledged that times when I acted like Carrie were also times when I wasn’t true to myself.
Carrie symbolizes mistakes I have made in my journey. Yet they were necessary mistakes on my path to finding myself within the culture that had drastically changed. I was learning how to believe in myself and give up my old way of basing my worth on my relationships with men, while finding my new place in a changed world. Her insecurities were my insecurities, but also the insecurities of many women at that time.
We weren’t like Mary Richard’s who never struggled with these insecurities.
As you say, maybe more alarming is that many idolize this male character from Sopranos and give him a free pass for being a killer. Instead we need to criticize him more.
At the same time, if we are going to criticize Carrie or me, we can do so with compassion and understanding for our struggle, and honor the mirror we provide that helps us understand parts of ourselves, or at least the journey many women have taken to decenter men.
💯 yes
Yes you are making sense. I love Rory too. Is there any woman who can ever get anything right? Or do we have to go back to June Cleaver with her pearls vacuuming in high heels, dress, and stockings?
I think the beauty in complex female characters is that they’re not right!! Like Magdalena mentioned it’s about having honest conversations on why we hate them and why we relate to them! I think hating a complex female character says a lot about ourselves like some people hate Carrie for always going back to Big because they do that mistake or they think it’s “pick me energy” which shows they need to work on removing their inner male gaze. There is so much I could say on this topic, but feminism is so nuanced and personal and not, all at the same time!
Totally agreen Karin! This is exactly why we need to work on normalising complex female dynamics in media, but normalisation doesn’t mean free from critique. We need to normalise, we need to dismantle, and we need to discuss because how else will we progress as a society (and of course the same goes towards male characters) media isn’t just entertainment, it is also a powerful social commentary tool!
she’s an asshole and i don’t relate to her but she is still a fictional character and sex and the city is so entertaining that i LIKE the character and the show, i do not LIKE who carrie is. each of the women have their flaws, but i am in agreement with most critiques about carrie because she is morally the worst of the four. i HATE big too. he is an awful man and an awful character and an awful human irl.
loved this! especially what u had to say about the comparisons between natasha and carrie - it’s irked me for the longest time but i never knew how to articulate it!! idk if you’ve already seen it but i think you’d really like broey deschanel’s video essay on carrie (“who’s afraid of carrie bradshaw” on yt). as someone who never loved carrie (im much more of a miranda myself), broey’s video helped me see her in a much more sympathetic light, and as more of an interesting and philosophical character!!
okay i LITERALLY just finished the entire SATC a few minutes ago (and of course, immediately went onto Substack to search for essays on Carrie Bradshaw) and im so glad i stumbled upon this piece.
i really must agree with you here. before starting SATC, i knew a little bit about the hate Carrie would get online, but as i watched the series for myself, i didn't understand the hate train. i mean i can understand that she can make the wrong moves, be an asshole, and can be annoying at times. but to me, that's what made her interesting. sometimes, her mistakes mirrored ones that ive made in the past, and that's what i liked about her. she felt real. i think we are all just so used to nitpicking and holding women up to an impossible standard 🥲
p.s. i love how you ended this essay